life. in. thoughts.

why is it that we write so much of happiness

that we long for it as if it were unattainable

why is it that when we are sad

it seems we have always been sad

and life has cursed us with this sadness

why is it when we laugh it seems like there is nothing else in the world

except that moment and that laughter and that feeling

why is it when we cry it is the deepest and hardest cry we have ever had

that when we cry it feels like the world has forgotten about us

and we are on our own with no help

yet we all laugh and cry and feel sadness and happiness

we watch movies and read books that directly reflect our lives

we comfort our friends when they are down

and laugh with them when they are happy

yet here we are, all alone in the world

unable to reach out and relate to our neighbors.

these words in my head

don’t fall easily onto this page

when they are so heavy

and clumsy and pointy

so many words trying to escape

about the rain

and my cold feet

and emotional tornadoes

when i let these words out

they fall flat

and splatter

making no sense

my words

as pure emotion

and raw heart ache

would look better

melted

in color.

my youth was used up

scribbled out

thrown around like an old beat up baseball

i drained it dry

and licked up the last drop

not that i wasn’t paying attention

i was

i held on tight

for so long my fingers were clinched to nothing

i was terrified of getting old

just like you

i’m a kid at heart

i’ll never understand adults

at least that’s what i said

i refused and threw a tantrum

so many tantrums

that everyone said i still looked like a kid

that magical age of innocence

so now i am opening my eyes

letting go of the dust of my youth

looking around and hey

I’m still young

I’m still alive

A little creaky with a few more wrinkles

a bigger brain and a little more sensiblity

If i could do it again,

I’d hold on a little tighter.

This lonely road

leads into the night

into coldness

this lonely road

makes people do anything

to stay warm

to feel comforted

this lonely road

drives some to drink

some to drugs

and some to god

while the night gets colder

and the darkness only grows darker

everyone is desperate for something

but the stars do come out

and shine

and if your distracted looking for something else

you’ll miss it

so stop and enjoy the lonely road

enjoy the crisp cold night

because it won’t be forever

the stars do shine through

and they are magnificent.

I dreamed of you last night

of our future

of life moving forward

of multiple children

laughing at us

as we laughed at them

wrestling in bed

I dreamed of traveling

in 3rd class compartments

on trains

and planes all over Europe

crossing borders with passports

and duffel bags

I dreamed of cluttered homes

and messy beds

and arguments over seat-belts

and spilled food

I dreamed so much 

and it moved fast

from beginning to end

minutes with a few seconds

and when it was over

i opened my eyes

to a bright morning

and the cry of a baby

and realized I’m back at the beginning

and need to slow down

take my time

enjoy it

because it was a good dream

and I want to live it.

Dear Moms,

It seems you all have it together pretty well. It seems like you know what your doing. I jumped into this game head first holding my nose without giving it a 2nd thought. And now 9 months later I’m a bit panicked. I thought it wouldn’t be that hard. A lot of love and patience. My child would eat healthy, not watch tv, and get lots of out door time. I would be strict enough and not spoil yet fun and easy going at all times. It seemed pretty easy. But here I am trying to figure out how to cook for a baby. I’ve never cooked a healthy meal for myself let alone a other people, let alone my family. I was an independent jet-setter gal. I could pick up and go with a suitcase. Now when i travel for the weekend I travel with the whole house. I am throwing diaper bags and pack and plays and booster seats into my eco friendly car for last minute spontaneous weekend getaways. Was there a to-do list I missed out on, maybe a checklist i didn’t complete? I look around and you other moms are sleep training and pureeing as if it was instinct. I’m lost. I thought i would be a labeling mom. I thought i would start off organized and it would stay that way. I am ready to throw in the towel. I want to be the best mom there is but I’m losing it.  I’m disorganized and messy. I watch to much tv and eat to much processed food. I stay up to late and stay in bed to long. So please don’t judge me. I had the best intentions of keeping up but some where in the sleep deprivation I lost it. And so I’m just going to be me as a mom, not you.

She sits looking at the rain hit the window pane

a light rain

a soft sound

She sips her tea

English breakfast

dash of milk no sugar

She contemplates life

all the wrong turns

all the pain

She glances at the baby monitar

a slight rustle comes from the other end

her pride and joy

She sits and contemplates

every laugh

every tear

every struggle

to get to this moment

this perfect moment.

my life consists of raw enjoyment

it’s been minimized to the bare bone

simple things fill my day

a late wake up

milk unexpired

mail delivered on time

lunch on a sunny patio

a nap with my two favorite people

raw emotions

raw enjoymentn

raw life.

I was a lonely piece
Surrounded by lots of other pieces
I would try to connect
But they would be to big and sit on top of me
Or too small and it would be an uncomfortable squeeze
You were always around
Trying to fit with other pieces
Till the day we found that we fit
Perfectly
And now I am no longer a piece but a whole
With you.

My keyboard is covered with drool

my head is full of nursery ryhmes

my shirt is stained in peas

I’m delirious from sleep deprivation

but i’ve got to break the rusty cycle and

get back to type’n